I used to subscribe to Dragon, back in the mid-80s. I do remember this test.
Take this exam and join the adventuring horde! Dragon Magazine DECEMBER 1987
by Lawrence R. Raimonda Times are hard, and adventures promising wealth and fame are few and far between. How can you make sure that you are right for the adventurer's life? How? It's easy! Here at the Greyhawk Institute for Adventurous Neophyte Training, we have come up with the sure-fire solution: the Superior Personality Under Development course. That's right! Personality is the key to conquest! It's the real reason one fighter is chosen over the other when adventuring groups are formed. Are you too sophisticated for hack-n-slash? Do friends call you "stupid" as a compliment? Do rabid orcish marauders think of you as being too aggressive? No problem! At the Greyhawk Institute for Adventurous Neophyte Training, we'll put you through an intense program of classroom instruction and on-the-job training. Also, at no extra cost, you will receive our Superior Personality Under Development study guide. Just take a few minutes and fill out the following application. You can't afford to pass this opportunity by! 1. You've just arrived in a new town. You immediately: a. sigh in relief. b. find the nearest tavern. c. strip down to your underwear. d. do all of the above, to start with.
2. Wizards are: a. snappy dressers. b. valuable allies. c. awful darn cute. d. awful darn cute on the end of a spear.
3. What's the best way to test for trapdoors? a. With eyes shut. b. Make the half-ogre go first. c. Jump up and down a lot. d. Burn the place to the ground.
4. It's late at night, the moon is full, and you notice that your partner is turning hairy. What do you do? a. Compliment him on his coiffure. b. Whip out the scissors and wolves-bane. c. Check your pack for doggie chow. d. Join him.
5. A portable hole: a. a day keeps the ogre away. b. comes in handy in the king's treasury. c. What? d. holds a lot of beer
6. Given the choice, you'd rather have: a. Lint-free chain mail. b. 1,000,000 gold pieces. c. A chocolate-chip cookie. d. A sword and a major land war.
7. Describe a hill giant. a. A large, smelly Muppet. b. Big, hairy, ugly, and strong. c. Your last blind date. d. All of the above.
8. You are in a cave when your torch goes out. You: a. scream. b. cannot see. c. hit your head. d. throw the torch away and continue on ahead.
9. Your deity tells you to walk on hot coals. You promptly: a. practice shouting"Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!" b. get a new deity. c. invite your friends to a cook-out. d. attack him.
10. You find out that the ship you are on is manned by vicious, savage buccaneers. You: a. double-check the travel brochure. b. swim for shore. c. taunt them. d. join them.
11. What makes your mouth water? a. Vichyssoise. b. A leg of mutton and a jug of mead. c. A burger and fries. d. A dead brontosaurus.
12. What is a bard? a. A sophisticated, wandering musician. b. My DM doesn't allow them. c. A piece of lumber. d. The hair on your face.
13. What scares you the most? a. Gross, icky, crawly things. b. A tribe of bloodthirsty primitives on your doorstep. c. An umber hulk in leotards. d. Mom.
14. Which would you take as your share of the loot? a. Gems and jewelry. b. A treasure map. c. A wooden nickel. d. The loot.
15. Someone in your party is a thief. It's probably: a. that mysterious, cloaked stranger. b. the dwarf with his hand in your pocket. c. your horse. d. all of the above. [e. You -- added for accuracy in my case]
16. You are trapped by a cave-in. You immediately: a. scream again. b. try to dig your way out. c. choose the best position to be found in. d. kill the fool who knocked over the support beam.
17. Your favorite choice for a pet would be: a. a gerbil. b. a war dog. c. a dung beetle. d. a mammoth.
18. How can you detect for evil alignment among your henchmen? a. Look for bad penmanship. b. Cast a spell. c. Flip a coin. d. Use torture.
19. What is the first thing you should say when you spot a bugbear? a. "So, how does my leg taste?" b. "Don't come any closer! I've got a sword! " c. "Nice ears" d. "Yo! Ugly! Let's party!"
20. If there's anything you hate, it's: a. mismatched armor. b. being drawn and quartered. c. the letter"c." d. not got long to live.
21. Witches: a. make great gingerbread. b. aren't allowed in my DM's campaign either. c. Where? d. don't wear underwear.
22. There's nothing more exciting than: a. the full moon at midnight. b. the thrill of victory. c. answering this question. d. hand-to-hand combat with a thousand cannibals.
23. What heals all wounds? a. Thyme. b. Time. c. Tyme. d. A week in a harem.
24. Select a title for yourself. a. Gerard the Thoughtful. b. Lars the Mighty. c. Fred. d. The Terror of Morovia.
25. Keep an eye on your fellow traveler. He might be: a. a barbarian. b. a thief. c. a Democrat. d. Demogorgon.
26. A princess is trapped in a dragon's cave. You should: a. ask someone to help her out. b. rescue the princess. c. rescue the dragon. d. rob them both.
27. What's the most important thing about making camp? a. Keep the marshmallows in a clean, dry place. b. Keep the fire low and post guards. c. Have appropriate party games. d. Have the others do all the work.
28. The best kind of partner is one with: a. a warm personality. b. a good sword-arm. c. a game of checkers. d. a keg of ale.
29. If you had to choose one of four doors before you, which would it be? a. The door out. b. The treasure-room door. c. That one. d. The booby-trapped door.
30. In matters of life and death, you should: a. choose life. b. avoid death. c. dress warmly. d. Loot and kill and pillage and burn.
31. You find the thief who stole your horse, money bag, and provisions. You then: a. count from 1 to 10 before speaking. b. demand your belongings back, or else. c. give him the rest of your things. d. turn him into lasagne.
32. Before you'd ever abandon your friends, you'd rather: a. kiss a goat. b. slap a sunburned frost giant on the back. c. get permission first. d. get all of their money first.
33. "Halt!" means: a. "Surrender! " b. "Stop! " c. "Hello! " d. "Attack!"
34. If asked what your price is for a dirty adventuring job, what do you say? a. "Lunch at the Bulette Cafe." b. "The going rate." c. "I'll pay anything!" d. "How much have you got? Your family, then how much have they got? Mmm. Got any sisters?"
35. You find yourself alone and unarmed in a cave with 100 hungry carnivorous apes. What is your next move? a. Hide. b. Hide. c. Hide. d. Fight.
36. You must never forget: a. to clean up afterward. b. your spells. c. the . . . the, uh . . . uh . . . d. to check for treasure.
37. The best way to handle a poisonous spider is: a. from afar. b. with a glove. c. by blackmail. d. with a hammer of thunderbolts.
38. An ogre invites you to dinner. You should: a. check his references. b. decline. c. accept. d. show up wearing your best ogreslayer
39. You find a dwarf chained in a cell. He says that he'll lead you to lots of treasure if you release him. You should: a. think about it. b. insist that he reveal the whereabouts of the treasure first. c. attack. d. release him.
40. There is a disguised dragon in the room. It must be: a. the terrier in love with your leg. b. the cow breathing fire. c. disguised. d. ready to die.
41. Your castle has been overrun by hobgoblins. You've been fighting and running from them all day, and have finally managed to hide from them. Then, your henchman knocks over a vase. You then: a. soil your pants. b. grit your teeth and ready your weapon. c. fix the vase. d. throw the henchman out into the hall.
42. You are trapped in a 10' x 10' room, and the walls are closing in. What do you do? a. Yell for help. b. Use a dagger to jam a wall. c. Leave. d. Wait for the hangover to pass.
43. What's the best way to catch a golem? a. Set out a saucer of milk. b. Dig a humongously deep pit. c. Is that a disease? d. Wrestle him down and hog-tie him.
44. What's a good sign that you've had too much to drink? a. The room is spinning. b. A wench is leaving the room with your money and your clothes, and you are smiling. c. You're out of milk. d. Your boots are covered with your dinner.
45. What's a druid good for? a. Flower arrangments. b. Nature spells. c. Beats me. d. Calling forest creatures for target practice.
46. If you were told that a treasure lay in a hole in the wall, would you stick your hand inside? a. No. b. Maybe. c. Inside what? d. Yes.
47. How strong are you? a. Not very. b. Above average. c. Not very; just had a bath. d. Damn strong.
48. Do you think there should be rights for orcs? a. Yes. b. No. c. Maybe. d. Sure: rights, lefts, right crosses, left jabs, right uppercuts....
49. Describe a daring deed. a. Inviting a goblin to a tupperware party. b. Facing a tribal chieftain in single combat. c. Housebreaking a hell hound. d. Leaping off a burning battlement into a crocodile-infested moat in front of an army of orcish archers.
50. What is the best thing you can say about skeletons? a. They make great tap dancers. b. They don't have many hit points. c. They don't eat much. d. Some of my best friends are skeletons.
"In just seven days, I can make a man out of you, unless of course you're a woman, which might make this all rather problematic." -- Rogar of Mooria, GIANT faculty member, Evaluation If you answered 30 or more questions with the same letter, then it is likely that you fall into a particular category of adventuring types. These are listed below: Type A: You're perhaps a little too civilized for most adventuring groups, but not beyond hope. You are certainly in need of personality development before being considered ready for any serious undertaking. Practice going without bathing for short periods of time, grimacing in a mirror, and not fainting at the sight of blood. Type B: You're probably referred to as dependable," "practical," "an OK guy," etc. There is not much wrong with you, and you should do well in the adventuring life. We recommend that you take our accelerated S.P.U.D. program. Type C: My, my. We are having a rough day, aren't we? This exam was probably tiring, but take a few minutes to rest and relax. When you're feeling better, take out all of your money and mail it to us, right away. That's right: every copper piece. Good, good. We're proud of you. Type D: Well, it appears that you have probably done more than your share of adventuring, and there's not much more we can add to your training. In fact, if you have some free time, we'd like you to join our teaching staff. Sure, others may call you a bloodthirsty maniac, but hey, who cares? We'll give you a portable hole full of beer and a major land war. Where can you beat that? You're darn right. Remember: Time is limited! Join the ranks of the G.I.A.N.T. graduates, and stand tall! Get out your crystal ball and call today for your first class! Sorcerers are standing by.
Later,
